Mother: “Obama is going to be a mile away from the house tomorrow, I’m going down there to protest!”
Me: “ok, have fun getting arrested!”
Mother, “Wouldn’t be the first time,…… won’t be the last!”
My mother pauses while hanging an ornament, “There’s nothing I hate more than a broken shopping cart. Seriously I was at Walmart, and I gave it back to lady and said ‘this cart is bad, don’t put it back you need to get rid of it!’ She looked at me like I was crazy!” And then the decorating continued.
Mother, “How in the world did anyone have sex with him??!! He is so ugly! I’ll tell you how! She covered his face with the sheet!” My mother watching old video of Princess Di and Prince Charles walking together.
Mother, “He is so gay!”
Dad, “Honey, they are ALL gay.”
Mother, “No, Heidi there is married to Sting.”
Mother, “Have you cleaned your bathroom yet?”
Me, “Yup!”
Mother, “No you haven’t! The cleaning stuff is still in our bathroom!”
Me, “Detective Cynthia closes another case!”
Mother, “That’s right, I am a detective.”
Text message from my mother in the other room at 11:43pm.
“You can’t go to the sleep over till you get your chores done”
“Oh that’s Leonardo Decaprio, look at these kids, what is he doing? Oh great he took her clothes off, this is sick! The director is sick. He is a pediphile, he just did this so he could make two 12 years do this! He should be arrested.”
My mother’s reaction to 15 seconds of Romeo and Juliet while channel surfing.
Mother, “Shake it like a Polaroid camera.”
Me, “What?!”
Mother, “Shake it like a Polaroid camera, isn’t that what they say?”
Me, “No, are you kidding me?”
Mother, “What?”
Me, “I’m going to let you just think about this one.”
Mother, “Shake it like a Polaroid camera?….”
Dad, “I think it would be best, shake it like a Polaroid picture.”
So I have to go in the other room in about five minutes to yell at my mother for making comments on FB under my name.
She is a pro at this.
She has made countless, and I mean countless, comments under my father’s account, which makes him sound creepy and kinda gay when its pictures of babies and my “father” writes, “so cute I just want to squeeze those cheeks!”
Today I was checking my FB account while making a quick breakfast before work. My parents were in there and I was tending to my waffles for a few moments. I always sign in and out because I know she’s like this sly fb commenter.
I wasn’t quick enough today…..
Under a picture of an awesome breakfast my brother had made for his two daughters and their two friends after their first sleepover “I” wrote, “whats up with the FAKE maple syrup?”
I in fact prefer the fake stuff.
I think I’m going to delete her as a friend as punishment.
Steinmart add comes on the TV
Mother, (GASPS) “STEINMART!!”
me, “seriously? Did you really just gasp at a steinmart add??”
Mother, “What? I love Steinmart, I used to work there.”
